Elvira and the Siege of the Living Dead
By Patterson Lundquist
"That was a red light," Taylor exclaimed as he turned back looking toward the intersection Elvira blew through without even slowing.
"Yeah, and it isn't exactly rush hour if you haven't noticed," she replied as she continued to speed through the dark deserted town.
"Where is everyone, you don't think they're all," Taylor started.
"Oh, no, it's a Tuesday it's bingo night at St. Mary's," Elvira smirked winking at him.
"I don't think this is a time for jokes," Taylor frowned at her.
"Who's joking, I'm serious," Elvira defended as she squealed to a stop outside an old church.
"Oh," he muttered as he blushed a bit.
"Hey it's ok, I thought Bingo had gone out of style till the pastor called me up to tell me it was my turn to pull the balls," she snickered.
"Oh geeze," Taylor laughed slightly covering his mouth.
"Yeah no kidding, who do you think was more confused, him as to how my name got on the list, or me as to what balls he was talking about," she laughed as she closed the car door.
"I can only imagine," Taylor laughed.
"Hey, better than ten Hail Mary's," she smiled as she strutted up the steps and heaved the old red wooden door open with a groan.
Upon entering the church it was apparent that Bingo Night was in fact cancelled. The old church sanctuary stood before them dimly illuminated by the candelabras and votives off to the left.
"Hey Padré," Elvira exclaimed strutting down the center of the isle towards the altar.
Upon approaching the altar rail Elvira caught Taylor staring at her.
"What," she asked genuinely confused.
"Nothing, just a stark contrast in styles," he laughed as he eyed her then the religious surroundings.
Before Elvira could reply a noise came from the back side of the altar. A sort of shuffling and scraping sound.
"Hello," Taylor shouted yet again sending Elvira into a spasm which nearly caused her to fall backwards over the altar rail.
"Remind me to get that hole in your face stitched shut," she snarled as she collected herself.
"What, did you see some movie where a guy in a church said hello and got slaughtered," Taylor mocked her.
"Yeah, I did, it was called "The Dweeb Who's Car Broke Down."
"No, it was rather tragic, the sequel however was funny because this raven haired beauty in a plunging neckline made sure the Dweeb," Elvira tried to retort as two teenagers bolted out from behind the altar.
"Elvira," the girl yelled as she ran up.
"Karen," Elvira chirped as she turned around.
"Oh my god I'm glad to see you," she almost cried as she threw herself against Elvira who struggled to remain on her feet.
"Whoa, whoa, wait a second, what's the matter," Elvira asked as she began to pry Karen off of her.
"We've been hiding in here since sun down," Karen exclaimed.
"We, I don't think I've met your, eh- um friend," Elvira smiled as she glanced over at the teenage boy standing off behind Karen.
"Oh, that's Sphen, he's an exchange student," Karen exclaimed pulling him up beside her.
"Well if you guys are hiding from the same creeps we saw just about half an hour ago, I'm pretty sure Sphen here is wanting another exchange, back to his country," Elvira exclaimed as she smoothed her hair and cocked her head to the side with an expression that made Sphen giggle.
"Speak 'e English," Elvira asked.
"Yah, a bit," he smiled.
"My you're a handsome little devil aren't you," Elvira grinned as she looked over Sphen.
"Thank you," he blushed.
"They must not feed you over there though," she exclaimed noticing how skinny he was.
"I eat," he replied.
"He does believe me, we've gone through so much food my mom is thinking about a second mortgage on the house to pay for it," Karen smiled.
"You wouldn't know it, boy here looks like death eatin' on a cracker," Elvira winked jokingly.
Sphen looked confused, Karen laughed and Taylor cleared his throat.
"Oh, man I almost forgot, Karen, Sphen this is Taylor, his car died out on the freeway and he found his way up to my neck of the woods," Elvira smiled as Taylor shook their hands.
"Ok, so you guys saw them right," Karen asked.
"Them," Elvira asked.
"Yah," Sphen said as he rolled his eyes back in his head and staggered around with his hands held out snapping his teeth together.
"Oh yeah, we saw them," Elvira exclaimed slightly disturbed by Sphen who continued to mimick the zombies.
"Hey, hey yo' dude chill out you're givin' me the creeps," she exclaimed yanking his sleeve a few times.
"Yeah so anyways, we've been hiding in here since sun down," Karen repeated.
"Well we're leaving, I'm not hanging around a church all night when I've got a nice big spooky house waiting for me," Elvira exclaimed as she started down the isle.
"Wait," Taylor exclaimed.
"What now," Elvira asked whirling around.
"Why did we come here in the first place?!"
Elvira tilted her head to the side and tapped her fingernail against one of her teeth.
"Oh yeah, duh," she laughed shaking her head.
Elvira walked across the side hall to a chalk board and erased her name from the Bingo list.
"That's what we came here for," Taylor nearly yelled at her.
"Uh yeah, I'm gonna be busy next Tuesday," she replied shaking her head as she headed for the doors.
"Wait up," they all called as they ran up behind her.
"What are you waiting for," Taylor almost finished as Elvira's hand flew up and covered his mouth.
"Zip it," Elvira whispered as she turned her ear to the door and listened.
"What is it," Karen breathed quietly.
"Sounds like they've made it into town," Elvira whispered.
"You mean," Taylor started.
"Yeah," Elvira replied.
"The zombies," Taylor asked.
"No, the Osmonds, who the hell do you think," Elvira hissed through her teeth.
"Gosh, sorry," Taylor replied quietly.
"Come on there's another exit," Elvira whispered as she turned the bolt in the front door and turned to see Taylor looking still pretty upset at her snapping at him.
"Oh hey come on, I'm not mad, besides I think I'd prefer zombies over the Osmonds any day," she smirked as she poked him in the side causing him to smile.
"Come on," she whispered as they followed her down a back hallway.
"You sure know you're way around the back end of a church," Taylor laughed quietly.
"Yeah well as a gag Father McNulty over at the Protestant church on Halloween sent me over here to," Elvira caught herself as she saw the look on Karen and Taylor's face.
"No reason," she smiled suddenly laughing nervously.
"Yeah, oh kay," Karen laughed.
"I don't get it," Sphen exclaimed in his heavy Scandanavian accent.
"Shh," Elvira almost hissed as she put her ear to the next door.
"OK, come on I think it' safe."
Elvira pushed the small door open and the four of them stepped out onto a small dark stone path that lead along the back wall of the church. The moon light gleamed down casting a blue glow across the large cemetery to their left.
"Great, just what we need another cemetery," Taylor almost groaned.
"Which is why shutting up would be a good idea," Elvira replied curling her lip.
"Eww yuck," Elvira whispered as she saw zombie finger prints on the hood of the Macabré Mobile as she sprinted across the front walk of the church.
"What is it," Karen asked as she emerged from the bushes beside the church.
"One of those goons got his grubby stumps all over my car," Elvira groaned as she pulled the door open.
"There are worse things in life," Karen laughed as they all piled in.
"Yeah, a run in your hose, a broken nail, a bad hair day," Elvira smirked.
"Which I'm sure you've never had," Taylor laughed as he poked at the side of Elvira's bouffant.
"Hey buster, no touchin' the do," Elvira replied swatting his hand away.
"Come on, we'll be safe out at my joint, it's out in the middle of nowhere, and there isn't a cemetery with in," Elvira trailed off as she looked off to the side down the street.
"Come on," she suddenly exclaimed as she turned the car on.
"Something wrong," Karen asked as the car lurched forward down the street.
"I just want to get out of here," Elvira replied as she avoided bringing attention to the fact that Karen's own parents were just a few yards away, staggering around the crowd of living dead.
"I've never seen your place before," Karen exclaimed in awe as they rolled up the driveway.
"It's very big," Sphen smiled as he placed his hand on Elvira's shoulder.
"It is," she exclaimed stamping the breaks turning around glancing downward.
"Oh I mean, uh, yeah yeah it is," she laughed realizing she had misunderstood him.
"Huh," Taylor asked confused.
"So we'll get inside, get settled and I'll dig around in the attic, see if I can find anything that will give us a little help, sound good," Elvira asked as she put the car in park inside the garage.
"Yeah, by the way do you have any food," Karen asked as Elvira pulled the garage door down.
"Actually, all I really have stocked are frozen pizzas, microwave pop corn, tons of candy, lots of soda...." she exclaimed walking up the driveway towards the house.
"Hey you guys come on," Elvira exclaimed glancing back at them.
"What," she asked as she watched them all staring in her direction.
Elvira glanced behind her and stumbled backwards.
There in the sky in the direction of town swirled a massive bank of black clouds. The night sky pulsed with lightening as the heavens let down torrents of rain.
"Come on," Elvira yelped scrambling towards the front porch.
After tumbling into the front hall Elvira slammed the door and proceeded to turn and throw numerous sets of bolts and locks which caused everyone to stop and stare in amazement.
"Oh, yeah, heh," she chuckled.
"Expecting Satan," Karen laughed.
"What, Karen you know how pushy those Jehova's Witness's can get," she laughed.
"Geeze," Taylor muttered.
"Hey um, yeah, ok the kitchen is over there I'm gonna go get changed into something more comfortable," Elvira replied as she sauntered up the staircase.
"Ok, hey Elvira, where's," Karen started to ask as Ghonk came tearing around the corner out from behind the sofa.
"Ghonk," she yelped as the small poodle leapt through the air and landed on Karen's chest.
"You funny little thing," she giggled as he licked her face.
"That is one seriously whacked out dog," Taylor replied staring at it.
"Aww, Ghonk is precious," Karen defended as Ghonk stared at Taylor.
"Yeah," Taylor asked as he reached out to pet him.
Taylor yanked his hand back as Ghonk growled at him bearing his teeth.
"Yeah, about as precious as a pit bull," Taylor frowned walking into the kitchen.
"You just gotta give him a chance," Karen laughed.
"I'll pass," Taylor exclaimed as he faced the refrigerator and it's contents.
After sorting through numerous generic named sodas and popping two bowls of popcorn the three of them stepped into the living room and came face to face with Elvira. Clad in a leopard print bra, French cut silk bloomers and black silk stockings topped with a sheer robe and fuzzy high heeled slippers.
"Hi," Elvira exclaimed.
Sphen dropped his bowl of popcorn and Taylor began to stutter.
"Too much," Elvira asked as she noticed Taylor and Sphen.
"Maybe... not enough," Karen laughed shaking her head.
"What," Elvira asked as Taylor shook his head and began to help Sphen pick up the pop corn while attempting to fend off Ghonk who made fast dives and attacks for a few mouthfuls that had sprinkled across the entryway.
Shrugging off the reaction Elvira walked across the living room and switched on the television set. Each channel brought them the same thing. Static.
"Well looks like whatever is going on has totally screwed up the television reception."
"You mean you don't have cable," Karen asked in shock.
"Cable, sweetie I'm lucky to have a telephone!"
"What, can't afford it," Taylor asked glancing up from the pile of popcorn as Ghonk made another mad dash.
"No," Elvira dead panned.
"Then why," Taylor exclaimed folding his arms.
"They keep sending out cable guys and for some reason they always seem to get distracted and it never gets installed."
"Why am I not surprised," Taylor laughed.
"And what does, Ghonk stop that," Elvira suddenly snapped at Ghonk chasing him off into the dining room.
"Come on, there's gotta be something on the radio," Karen exclaimed as she switched on the old radio that resembled cabinet and less of a stereo.
"You'll be lucky if you can pick up static on that thing, it's never worked," Elvira replied walking back into the room with Ghonk in her arms.
"Well there are telephones," Taylor stood up and walked across to the phone beside the sofa.
Just as he began to reach for the phone the lights went out.
"Great," Karen replied stumbling in the darkness of the living room.
"Hold on hold on," Elvira replied as she struck a match.
With in about five minutes the room glowed warmly in the illumination of a few sets of large floor candelabras as well as a few wall mounted sets.
"Good grief, think you got enough candles," Taylor gasped as he did a three hundred sixty degree spin in the room.
"Yeah, the last station I worked at had them in bulk, so every day I'd lift one or two, slide them up, " Elvira paused glancing up noticing the three of them all staring at her in shock.
"Slide them up my SLEEVE, geeze wash your minds out with soap will yah," she winced as she sat down.
"Hey I didn't say a word," Taylor laughed.
"Oh, yeah tell Sphen those candles cost a buck each, I can use all the money I can get so I'd appreciate it if he'd pull that one out of his shorts," Elvira exclaimed without looking back.
"I don't have a candle in my shorts," Sphen replied confused.
Elvira whipped her head around.
"Oh, my mistake," she grinned with a twinkle in her eye.
"By the way Sphenny, how old are you anyway," she asked as she leaned over the back of the couch.
"I'll be twenty one next month," he replied in his heavy accent.
"Well in that case, why don't you come sit down in my lap and tell me whatcha' want for your birthday," Elvira grinned.
"You can sit over there, we need to be able to send Sphen home in one piece," Karen frowned at Elvira.
"What," she asked in mock confusion.
"Ok, alright I think I have something," Taylor yelled out from the radio across the room.
Suddenly the Oakridge Boys could be heard.
"My heart's on fire for-" the radio started as suddenly a bowl of popcorn flew through the air, crashing into the face of the radio cutting it off.
"What the hell," Taylor yelped as he fell back.
"If I hear that one more time," Elvira snarled as she stormed into the kitchen.
Before either Karen or Taylor could follow her they heard a loud creak come from outside on the front porch.
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